i will not obsess
i will not obsess
------> currently obsessing.
2. school (current)
3. school (future)
let's start with babies, shall we? or rather, shall i? after all, it's just me sitting here, listening to three songs on repeat (posted below, another obsession tonight).
today sat on the couch in a pair of blue sweatpants and a purple converse shirt and cried grumpy, confused tears to my baffled husband. he held a sympathetic look but i'm sure he was just as confused as i was. and no, i don't have PMS. our conversation was something like this...
me: i don't want to have babies right now!
matt: then we don't have to! we can wait.
me: but you said it yourself... you turn 30 this year. you're getting old.
matt: that's okay.
me: but you don't want to be an old dad. and my uterus is getting older every day.
matt: no it's not.
me: yes, it is. i have an OLD uterus, and i need to make a baby right now, according to my body.
matt: so let's make a baby.
me: but what about school?
matt: so let's wait.
me: but what about my uterus?
and see, it's just so confusing. FOR ME. for matt, not a lot changes. he continues climbing the navy ladder. he will continue to deploy, go on dets, go to school. whatever. only he gets the added bonus of coming home to a little him or her.
me? i will sacrifice my body. i will give up school. i will give up working. for how long? one year? five years? basically, things derail. in a completely worth-it, life-changing-for-the-better sort of way. but still. that's a huge amount of control to give up for the unknown.
school. currently. finals are coming up for this term and i am freaking the hell out because i don't feel prepared at all. i keep waking up in the middle of the night, covered in a clammy sweat, stomach churning in anxiety. which is so much fun.
school. future. i'm thinking hardcore about nurse midwifery. and step one is nursing school. which i could start this summer after i'm done with this current endeavor of massage therapy. but we're talking years of school. SO much i could learn, do, be. but each year... another year added onto the life of my uterus. which is clearly aching to reproduce. damn thing.
and while i'm gripped by all these things, i'm listening to a band i just discovered, alt-J, on repeat. what the hell. sometimes a song (or songs) hit me and suddenly i'm twelve again and i keep mashing the << button on my cd player (aka - spotify) every time the song ends.
please don't go ▽ i'll eat you whole ▽ i love you so
i love you so
▽ ∆ ▽