i'd made plans with a friend, to stop by her house that afternoon. she'd called out of the blue the day before, inviting me over on my way home. since i carpool, i wasn't able to make it monday. so we decided tuesday.
if history is any indication, however... i suspected that our date would be cancelled for one reason or another. the last four or five had been.
i unlocked my phone and saw a text. explaining how busy she was, work and whatnot. a "pipe dream," she elaborated, to think she'd have time to spend with me.
my heart sank, even as i realized that i'd known all along it would happen. i told myself i was being ridiculous, what else did i expect? stupid, stupid Ayla. i even cancelled my acupuncture appointment in favor of going to see her, knowing even as i did that it was unlikely to come to fruition.
i berated myself a few minutes more before i started hearing my therapist's voice in my head. "have grace for yourself." "of course you cleared space for her, you love her. that's not stupid." "there's no shame in wanting to mend a broken relationship. be kind to your heart."
deep breath. i tried to quiet the negative self-talk, the whispers in my head that said i was foolish, stupid, undeserving of her love.
a seattle radio station crackled in over my speakers as i turned the key in my ignition. windshield wipers kicked on, i buckled my seatbelt, and backed out of my space. my head felt heavy, my heart felt heavy.
a commercial ended, and a nickelback song started playing. not a fan. but the lyrics caught my ear. i've heard the song a hundred times, knew the words. i started humming along.
if today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?
would you live each moment like your last?
give yourself room to ache.
would you call old friends you never see? ... would you forgive your enemies?
yes, i had cancelled an appointment for her. an appointment that i'd made a week and a half prior. i'd driven separately from my carpool buddy, adding expense and inconvenience to my commute.
i didn't tell her any of that. i simply responded, "no problem."
i won't let myself get angry at her for doing the opposite of what i did. making room for a person i love. putting friendship above convenience, above scheduling, above the daily grind.
but i also won't let the negative self-talk tear me down. i don't regret making a space for her.
if today was my last day, i'll know that i did my best. my priorities were straight. i put people i love first.